


it wasn't like this (all the time)

by Nehanshika_524



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Life Is Strange (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Rewind Powers (Life Is Strange), Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, that's the only crossover part dw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-06-20 10:48:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15532593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nehanshika_524/pseuds/Nehanshika_524
Summary: Evan wished he could take everything back, and start from scratch. He wished it all had ended before it started. Someone wiser than him might have said, "be careful what you wish for".But when an impossible wish is granted, who's to say you won't take advantage of it?





	1. Chapter 1

_I wish I hadn’t done it._

He stared at the shocked, betrayed faces of the Murphy family. His hands shook.

_I wish I hadn’t lied._

His eyes burned with tears as Zoe’s grew dark and sad.

_I wish I could take it all back. All of it. All of it. All of it._

He looked away from them, feeling his entire body tremble.

_All of it all of it all of it I wish I could take it back I wish I could take back all of it I wish I could take back all of it because it’s a mess this is a mess a mess a mess a mess I wish I could take it back_

He stared at the piece of paper in his hand, the note to himself, the one everyone thought was written by Connor, the one that began with “Dear Evan Hansen” and ended in “Sincerely, your best and dearest friend, me”. He stared at those words, and they blurred. They swam. They became one dark, inky mess as his mind spiralled and as his hands shook and as his eyes filled with tears.

Zoe rushed past him, eyes downcast, footsteps heavy, breathing uneven. Evan reached out a hand to stop her, reached out to take back everything he had done, everything he had said. His heart was pounding. As he reached out, time seemed to slow to a halt.

He felt dizzy.

Time sped up.

A hazy, chaotic mess of light and colour and sound and suddenly he couldn’t breathe and he couldn’t move. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t see. He couldn’t hear. His heart had stopped. His lungs wouldn’t work. His head spun and spun and spun.

He fell into blackness.

-

Evan woke up at four a.m. with a pain in his head and a cast on his arm.

That morning, Evan was nervous.

He was always nervous, but this morning was a different kind of nervous, because this morning was a school morning. Two days in and he was already dreading the third. He took his meds as early as he could, knowing that they didn’t work too well and that he needed a higher dose, but knowing that it would be a drag for his mother to have to book another doctor’s appointment, and knowing that to stop taking them would be worse than taking them. So, he took his meds, and waited until he had to leave, bouncing his leg and fiddling with his hands.

Maybe he should try writing another letter to himself, like Dr. Sherman suggested he do. Although, last time he did that, Connor had taken it. Evan looked at the clock. Well, he had three hours and nothing better to do, so he might as well. He opened his laptop and started to write.

“Dear Evan Hansen,” he began, intending to continue, but something felt off about it. Absentmindedly, he brought a hand to his cast, tracing the one name scrawled on its surface, reading the three words over again. Slowly, his eyes widened, realising.

_I’ve done this before._

He glanced again at the date, at the clock.

_This morning has happened before. But how…?_

He dropped his gaze down to his cast.

“CONNOR” it said. He paused for a moment _. I wonder why Connor hasn’t been at school...?_

Then his heart froze. Everything that had happened- everything that _would_ happen- came to him in a rush, violent as a flood, sudden as a storm.

 _Oh, shit,_ Connor _!_

He bolted up, leaving his laptop open on his bed, not even bothering to change out of his pyjamas as he raced out the door. His mother had needed leave for work early that morning, thank God, or else she might question why her son was tearing down the road towards a nearby park like the devil himself was on his heels.

He didn’t think about any of that. He just knew that this was the morning they’d find Connor’s body. He knew it would be in the park near his house. He knew he didn’t have time to think.

It was an overdose, right? Didn’t Alana say- _wouldn’t_ she say- God, screw it, this was confusing- that it was an overdose? The missing pills from the medicine cabinet. The missing boy found passed out in a park. In Ellis State Park. Right? Frantically, he pulled out his phone and dialled 911.

It rang once. Evan turned a sharp corner, ignoring the gravel digging into his feet.

“911. Ambulance, police, or fire?”

“A-ambulance.”

“Your call is being redirected.”

The ling rang for a brief moment before somebody picked up. “Ambulance services, please state the emergency.”

“H-hi, um, yes, I need- I need an ambulance- my friend- m-my- my classmate—"

“Sir, please stay calm. Take a deep breath.”

“Can’t,” Evan panted. “Running. He overdosed- suicide attempt- Ellis State Park, North Close- hurry.” He managed to get out.

“Do you know how long ago he overdosed?”

“N-no,” he said. The park’s gates were in view.

“Do you know what he overdosed on?”

“No.”

“How do you know he overdosed?”

“I—he left me a letter!” Evan said in desperation. It was kind of the truth. “Hurry!”

“Okay. Stay with your friend and wait for a dispatch to arrive. You did the right thing, sport. Do you need someone to stay on the line with you?”

 _God, no,_ Evan thought. “No, t-thank you, I’m fine, I’ll be fine. Thank- thank you. Thank you.” He gasped.

His feet met soft grass and he kept running, phone still in hand. He had to stop. He had to stop. His lungs were burning. His heart was going to explode. His legs were going to give out. He couldn’t afford to stop.

Evan couldn’t see Connor.

He kept running. The sky was growing steadily lighter. He saw trees, he saw tall grass, he saw—he saw—

He saw a figure slumped against a tree. Evan made a beeline for them, not feeling his legs or his arms or the phone in his hand or the cuts on his feet, not feeling anything but the loud THUMP, THUMP, THUMP of his heart.

Evan fell to his knees beside Connor. Connor was twitching, convulsing, eyes glassy, mouth foaming. Evan wasn’t there, not really- his body was, but his mind was elsewhere, up high, watching them both. Watching like it wasn’t real.

Evan’s body turned Connor onto his side and held his shoulders, murmuring things like “hold on, just hold on, it’ll be okay, it’ll be okay, hold on, hold on…”. Evan’s mind floated above them, dizzy and calm.

Sirens. Evan’s body and mind heard sirens approaching. His body felt the paramedics taking him away from Connor, putting a blanket over him, reassuring him. His mind saw his body thrash at first and cry and protest, then begin to still. His mind saw people in uniforms taking him and Connor into an ambulance. His body heard noises and couldn’t comprehend them. His mind saw emotions and couldn’t feel them.

The world began to drown into an inky, heavy black. His body and his mind became blurred, and neither remembered anything more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO  
> this idea has been bouncing around in my head for a while, and i finally got down a first chapter that i'm happy with. i'll upload the second one soon, my dudes!  
> so, the only reason i included LIS in the fandoms was because, you know, I didn't invent the concept of rewind powers. i'm also borrowing a few plot points from LIS itself- basically, to fully appreciate this fic, i'd recommend playing LIS or watching a playthrough!!  
> okay, i'm done rambling now. thanks so much for reading!!


	2. Chapter 2

_Static. Static was buzzing all around, loud and piercing. Slowly, it gave way to the sounds of crashing thunder… No, not quite. Not just that. To crashing waves. To crashing buildings._

_The static gave way to crashing._

_Evan awoke with a start, icy rain stabbing through his skin. He was lying on the frozen ground, soaking wet, almost deafened by the cacophonous orchestra of nature raging around him._

_A loud clap of thunder sounded, and Evan scrambled to his feet, shivering. He looked at his surroundings, familiar and yet alien. Where was he?_

_There were trees everywhere. He staggered to one, and leaned against it, arms folded in a desperate attempt to stave off the relentless cold. Trees everywhere… They were wild and unruly, many of them dead from what looked like years of neglect. The ground beneath him was yellowed and dying. The sky above him was shockingly alive. There were rusted gates in the distance, a twisted chain-link fence that looked easily broken._

The orchard _, a voice said to him, and he wasn’t sure if it was his own. But he looked around once more, and recognition began to take shape. The orchard. The old apple orchard that the Murphys had loved so much. The one he’d once helped rebuild._

_This was what it really looked like?_

_Evan’s thoughts were violently interrupted by a distant CRASH. He flinched horribly, teeth chattering, watching as one of the trees fell to the ground, smashing against its neighbour._

I have to get out of here.

_Evan forced his legs to move, forced himself to run away, to get out while he still could. He saw the gates, he knew he could make it, but it was like moving through molasses. His body wouldn’t obey him properly._

_Someone called his name, and he looked up. A tall, darkened figure was frantically waving to him from beyond the gate, yelling and crying out that he had to hurry, he had to_ hurry _!_

_Evan reached out for them._

_A second crash sounded behind him._

_The second crash turned the world black._

-

Evan bolted awake. _Whoa_. The first thing he registered was a soft _beep, beep, beep_ on his left. The second thing he noticed was plain walls, and a white blanket draped over him.

He glanced up slightly, still disoriented from the bizarre, surreal dream. He was in a hospital ward. The bed opposite him was empty, and had clock above it; to his left, there was a wall, and to his right…

 _Connor!_ Evan shifted and tried to sit up, but felt a sharp pain in his arm. He paused; he’d almost forgotten he still had the cast. _This is weird. This is really, really weird, but…_

He looked towards Connor.

 _Connor’s_ alive _because of it._

Evan smiled slightly. Connor was alive. He hadn’t died. Evan had… saved him. Evan had actually saved Connor.

Connor stirred, and turned towards Evan. “Wh…” he trailed off, eyes unfocused. Then he blinked, and sat up. “What h—oh, shit, my _head_ ,” he collapsed back onto the pillow, a hand to his temple.

“C-Connor?”

“What?” He turned again to face Evan, seemingly noticing him for the first time. “Hansen? What the fuck are you doing here?” He phrased it like a flat statement rather than a question. Evan tried to shrug.

“I, uh, I found you? In the park. Ellis State park. You, uh—”

“I know what I did, asshole. I’m asking why the fuck you’re in hospital.” His tone was even, despite the language- Evan got the feeling that Connor just had a habit of swearing regardless of whether or not he was actually pissed.

“Um,” Evan said eloquently. “I don’t—know… I think I passed out? After the ambulance showed up?”

“Do you always talk like that?”

“Like- what?”

“Like that,” Connor gestured vaguely. “Like you’re asking permission. You even state basic facts like they’re questions.”

“I- uh… I guess so, huh.”

To his surprise, the corner of Connor’s mouth lifted. “It’s pretty fuckin’ pathetic.”

“Uh-- yeah.” _This feels so weird._ He paused. “So, you aren’t… mad at me?”

Connor sat up slightly, propping himself up on his elbow. “What for?” He deadpanned.

“Uhhh…” Evan’s mind raced. “The—the letter? And, calling nine-one-one? Um,” he fidgeted. _You’re_ making _it weird, Evan_. “For being annoying?”

He stared at Evan for a moment. “No.”

“’No’?”

“No,” Connor confirmed. “I’m not mad. Confused as all shit and pissed off that I’m still alive, but not mad. I would be,” he said, leaning forward slightly. “but I guess you thought you were doing the right thing. So, yeah, Hansen, I’m forcing myself not to be mad at you. Don’t push it,” he added, and turned so that he faced away from Evan, the conversation apparently over.

Evan sighed and shifted so that he faced the ceiling. He glanced at the circular clock; it read 11 a.m. below the hands in green lettering. He knew he should sleep, but…

What had happened? One moment, he was standing in the Murphy household, clutching a letter and staring at the lost, hopeless eyes of a family torn apart, and the next… He was back at home, on the day it all started.

Had he _actually_ rewound time? And there was that crazy dream… Evan bit his lip. There was one way to be sure.

The clock’s display changed to 11:01. Its seconds hand ticked.

Evan swallowed, and tried to remember what triggered the rewind. _I… I wanted time to go back… And I raised my arm… Like this._

He lifted his arm. The air stilled. He closed his eyes and willed the clock to tick back, willed time to go backwards. His head began to pound. Come on, just turn back, go back to 11:00, go back…

It was like wading through a riptide- resistant and hard to control- but he concentrated, and pushed, and focused, and—

Evan opened his eyes. The seconds hand began to tick backwards. He felt a thrill of exhilaration, watching as the time ticked back from 11:01, to 11:00, to 10:59…

Pain suddenly ripped through his head. Evan flinched, biting back a yelp. Something wet trickled from his nose onto his lips; he tasted copper.

“...cing myself not to be mad at you. Don’t push it,” He heard Connor say. Evan shifted to face him, shocked. The other boy tilted his head. “Your nose is bleeding.” He said, and turned away from him.

Evan blinked, trying to slow his frantic breathing. He quietly reached for a tissue, bringing it to his nose. He was exhausted, and the screeching pain in his head was agonising, but… He’d done it. Evan could—well, he didn’t know what to call it, but he had powers. Abilities. And it felt _insane_.

He stretched his unbroken hand out in front of him, studying it. As if in warning, another shard of glasslike pain shot through his head. He flinched. _Okay_ , he thought, lowering his hand. _No more superpowers for today_.

The clock had reached 11:01 once more. Evan allowed himself a small smile. His mind raced with a billion different thoughts, a million different theories, and a thousand different worries— but when did it not? So, he turned to his side, left the bloodied tissue on his bedside table, and let himself fall slowly asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: i'm gonna have self-control and wait to post the second chapter  
> me, 5 minutes later: huewhuwheuhuheuheu Validation


	3. Chapter 3

The next day went slowly. Evan’s mother came in as soon as she was allowed, and hugged him fiercely, her eyes tear-filled. She said she was glad Evan was okay, so, so glad, and so proud of him, really, what he did was amazing. His phone had been near blown-up from Jared’s texts.

 

(9:10 A.M., Coolincollege to Evan Handsome

Coolincollege: dude wtf u arent at school today

Coolincollege: did connor kill you lmao

Coolincollege: ,,,ev??

Coolincollege: hewwo?

Coolincollege: waitwait dont block me for that

Coolincollege: do text me back tho

Coolincollege: not that im worried, just wanna make sure that if connor did kill ya, i get frontrow seats to ur funeral. whole schools getting called into the hall for some assembly bs, so like, yaint missing much at least lmao

Coolincollege: ughhhh

11:01 A.M., Coolincollege to Evan Handsome

Coolincollege: …dude, the assembly was about. teen suicide.

Coolincollege: holy shit evan are you ok

Coolincollege: Evan this isnt fucking funny text me back

Coolincollege: Evan????

12:26 A.M., Evan Handsome to Coolincollege

Evan Handsome: hey, im okay

Evan Handsome: srry just woke up

Evan Handsome: in hospital bc i passed out earlier. i think ill be back at school tomorrow??

Coolincollege: ,,,fuckin nerd. glad you came to your senses and decided to actually communicate to your one (1) friend

Evan Handsome: your concern is very much appreciated Jared)

 

At one point, a nurse had ducked in to let Evan and his mother know that he should at least stay the night, but he could leave earlier if he preferred. Evan nodded, his mother kissed him on the forehead, and thanked the nurse, reminding Evan one last time that she could always call him, before she left.

 A few mental health professionals came to see Connor; they closed the curtain between them to give the threadbare illusion of privacy, but Evan still heard what they were saying.

Connor’s family didn’t show until later in the day.

His dad was silent and resolute, arms crossed over his chest. His mother was anxious and worried, frantic and fussing. Zoe stood away from him, her eyes averted, hugging her arms. Tears threatened to spill over her already red-rimmed eyes.

It reminded him of what he’d done.

Evan flinched and looked away. This was so strange. He knew their names, their story, what their family life was like. He knew even though he’d technically never met them before. He knew that Larry almost never expressed his feelings. He knew that Cynthia was overemotional at the best of times. He knew that Zoe actually missed her brother, had the capacity to care about him. He knew that the Murphy family resented Connor until he died.

He knew that their resentment was well-placed.

He knew that they never expected him to die.

He knew how much Connor’s death affected all of them.

Larry had grown more reclusive, more closed-off, had pushed everything under the rug in lieu of treating Evan like his new son. Cynthia grew dependant, desperate for an explanation, and seemed to want everyone to know that her family was in mourning. Zoe became angry; angry at the world for caring, angry at Connor for dying, angry at her own sadness.

Angry with Evan when she found out the truth.

He looked up, and Zoe met his eye for the briefest of moments. It sent an electric shock through his entire being. Evan looked away, swallowing, and pretended to be distracted by something on his phone. When he glanced towards her again, she was looking away, forehead resting against a window.

Eventually, they left. A psychiatrist asked to talk to the family outside the room; Evan heard Connor scoff under his breath. He heard hushed voices from beyond the door- resolute father, frantic mother, angry daughter. One stifling his emotions, one throwing hers out into the open, one snapping at anyone and everyone she could.

_I guess going back didn’t fix… everything, did it?_ Evan thought. He glanced towards Connor- he was picking at his sleeve, lips twisted into a scowl. _But Connor’s alive. That has to count for something! He was dead and now he’s not. He’s alive, right now, and that means that there’s hope for everything to get better._

Evan took a deep breath. _What if…_ he could actually fix things this time through? He’d already saved Connor; who’s to say he couldn’t try to help save the Murphy family, too?

_From what?_ Asked a nasty voice in the back of Evan’s head. _From you? From your actions? Your lies?_ He grit his teeth. “Well, maybe,” he said under his breath. “What’s wrong with that?”

_Everything!_ The voice replied. _Every fucking thing!_

“Be quiet,” Evan said tersely.

_Why? Because you don’t wanna face the fact that in another timeline, you’re the one that fucked everything up?_

“Be quiet, _please_.” He said again. It was getting hard to breathe.

_What makes you think you’ll be good enough to help them? What makes you qualified to help them, huh? When you can’t even help yourself? When you’re actually a goddamn hypocrite who tried to—_

“SHUT UP!”

“Who the hell are you talking to?”

Evan whipped towards the voice. Connor was staring at him, a mixture of curiosity and flat-out annoyance on his face. Evan swallowed. “Uh. No-one.”

Connor raised an eyebrow. “Uh-huh. ‘No-one’.”

“M-myself?”

“Bad thoughts?”

That took Evan by surprise. He guessed that this- being semi-friendly, trying to strike up conversation- was Connor’s way of apologising. “Um—well—yeah, I guess. Sorry.”

Connor shrugged. “Don’t be. Sometimes you gotta yell at them.” There was a beat of silence. “How did you know where I was, anyway?”

Evan swallowed. “Just—a hunch. It was on my way to school, I—”

“It was four in the morning. And it was Ellis State park, which, unless you’re on the opposite side of town, is very much _not_ on the way to school. And I sure as fuck didn’t tell anyone, so… How did you know?” He was leaning forward again, eyes intense and scrutinising, as if trying to detect any hint of insincerity. Evan averted his eyes, fiddling with his hands. “Y-you wouldn’t believe me if I told you, so—”

“Try me.”

“Uh—” Evan looked back up, eyes wide, heart racing. He felt like a deer caught in headlights. “I—”

As if a Godsent saviour, or just someone with impeccable timing, the nurse from before walked briskly in and began gathering Evan’s things for him. “Your mother said she wanted you home as soon as possible, and we cleared it with the head of the ward- you’re good to go home, kiddo,” she said, smiling and ruffling his hair. Evan hated the feeling with every inch of his being, but he gave a half-smile back, letting himself be ushered out of the room.

He cast one last glance back towards Connor, who was still staring after him, that same analysing, studying expression in his eyes. Evan looked away uneasily, choosing to focus on the speckled floor beneath him, and not the broken boy lying behind him, or the terrifying conversation that lay ahead of him.

Focusing on a speckled floor, after all, doesn’t have any consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!!! hello!!! what's this? a third chapter?? WHOAAA!!!!!  
> so, i apologise for the filler chapter that this ended up being, but hey, it needed to be there. i also apologise for its short length; however, i've come to the realisation that trying to crank out long chapters for multichapter fics on a regular basis is draining, difficult, and puts too much pressure on me as a student and as an author. so, i've decided that this fic will have more frequent updates at the expense of shorter chapters, as opposed to longer chapters at the expense of less frequent updates.  
> anyway!! your support means the world to me, and thank you so much for the positive feedback so far. i truly hope you all enjoy the path that this story ends up taking!!


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